On December 23, 2017, my mom passed over into eternity. Although this is technically my second Christmas without her, it still feels fresh. I’ll never buy her another gift. The whole family won’t ever be together again at the holidays.
Christmas cheer and joy to the world. Peace on earth goodwill to man. These are the emotions this season is supposed to evoke. The preparations. The planning. The anticipation. Buying that perfect, meaningful gift and watching the joy on their face as they open it.
But for many, the joy of this season has been replaced by the overwhelming feeling of a hurt so bad they don’t think they’ll survive.
My grandfather passed in 1988. My brother soon after in 1993 at the tender age of 21. My mom last year in 2017. I could go on about everyone in between, but you get the picture.
Loss doesn’t just come in the form of death. Maybe a spouse walked out on you. A son or daughter turned their back on you. Yet another miscarriage when all you want is a baby of your own. Someone you love is lost in the abyss of addiction. Being let go from a job with no hope on the horizon for another.
Betrayal. Desertion. Rejection. Abandonment. Loss.
Some are caroling and feeling the warm and fuzzy feels. Others are simply enduring Christmas this year. The pain can be deep and the days dark, and surviving with your sanity intact seems questionable.
The truth is Christmas will never been the same. Life will never be the same. The sadness and feeling of loss, like something is missing and isn’t quite right, is either front and center or lurking somewhere around the edges all the time.
What do you do then?
Look up
There’s no hope for surviving the pain and grief of loss without the love and strength and help of God. The tendency is to look back at what we’ve lost with either sadness at the amazing person that’s gone or regret that we didn’t do things differently.
We need to look back and remember. I’m not saying don’t grieve. I’m saying in your grief, don’t forget to look up.
You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3
Peace. In the midst of the turmoil of surviving Christmas, peace can always be found in one place. In Him. There is always peace in His Word and in His presence. He promised to never leave us, and He never will.
At times it may not “feel” like He’s there. It’s at those times we need to lean into faith, bury ourselves in His presence, and trust His Word.
We depend too much on feelings. Don’t let the lack of emotion keep you from the daily disciplines of time in worship and time in His Word. Don’t let it rob you of the very thing that will steady you and bring you the peace you so desperately need.
Do it whether you feel like it or not. Open your Bible. Put on a worship CD and sing along. Feeling or no feeling, make yourself go through the motions and the feelings will follow.
Look Around
I talked with a girl at the bank about grief and the holidays while handling some details for my mom’s estate. She told me that her mom can’t even get out of bed at Christmas because the grief of losing her own mother is so heavy.
I was a little surprised to find out her grandmother had been gone over 11 years.
Now there’s healthy grieving and there’s unhealthy grieving.
Isolation is unhealthy, but it’s the knee-jerk reaction for many to the pain of loss. You don’t want to ever hurt that badly again, so you put up walls around your heart so nobody gets any closer.
Don’t isolate yourself. In the midst of missing the ones who are gone, don’t forget to look around at who you have left to love. They still need you.
Reach out to them. Spend time with them. Share stories and grief and laughter and tears. There’s so much healing that comes out of times like this when we embrace those who are all around us.
Look Ahead
Sometimes the only hope to be found is in looking ahead. It’s not denying what you’re feeling but counting on the fact that God has been faithful to pull you through in the past and He hasn’t changed.
There is hope in Him. There will be better days ahead. The grief won’t always feel suffocating. The darkness will part and the sun will shine again.
Life will never be the same, but it won’t always be this heavy.
Sometimes the only way to survive today is to remind yourself of the hope that tomorrow will be better.
Choose Joy
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! Habakkuk 3:18-19
Rejoice is a choice.
Habakkuk doesn’t really have any reason to rejoice. Crops are failing. Fields are barren. Flocks are dying and barns are empty. People are dying and his homeland is about to be invaded. Everything around him looks hopeless.
Then He says, “YET I will rejoice in the Lord.”
Yet. Despite what I’m facing. Even though things are bad.
Sometimes we have to really look for joy to find it.
Lest you think I’m telling you to deny your feelings and pretend to be happy, that’s not what I’m saying at all.
When I look up at Him, look around at everyone and everything He’s blessed me with, and look ahead with hope, I can’t help but find joy.
I don’t rejoice because life is good, I rejoice because God is good. Always. Even when things are bad. He’s done so much for me and when I focus on that, I can’t help but praise in the midst of the darkness all around.
Rejoice might look like lifting your voice in worship while feeling the exact opposite. It could be simply getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other. It may be reaching out when all you want to do is be alone.
Let “YET” be your word to survive this Christmas.
“It hurts, YET I choose to find joy in something today.”
You can do more than survive Christmas this year.
Look up and lean on God’s strength. He’s a very present help in times of darkness. Look around and love the ones who are left and let them love you too. Look ahead with hope of better days to come.
And choose to find joy.