Writing. I love it. And I hate it.
I started this blog in 2013 when my job was eliminated and I wanted to use my unemployment wisely. I’ve always loved the Word. Loved to read it. Dig into it. To soak in its truths and share it with others.
It was the perfect outlet to take what the Holy Spirit breathed as life in my spirit and share it with the world.
I love tea. And my name is Toni. And I love to get together with my friends, drink a nice warm beverage and talk about life. So, I called it tea with toni.
Instead of going out for tea, I invited you into my kitchen and said, “This is what God has put on my heart today. Grab a cup of tea and come sit with me for 5 minutes.”
Did you know 3-5 minutes is all it takes to read a 900-word blog?
I would write and post and let God use it how He saw fit. I used to enjoy it. Now? Not so much.
What changed?
I started an online writing course. So many tips to help make me a better writer. Advice on tightening up sentences to give better flow. How to use less words but still have impact and so much more. And it did help.
But then came the pressure. Your title needs to be amazing! Well – I stink at titles. If your first paragraph isn’t catchy, no one will read the whole thing. You need sticky statements to grab attention. Ummm…I’m not good at that either. Put yourself in the story. (Vulnerability is not my strong suit. But I’m trying.)
And then the questioning started. “Interact,” they said. Respond to comments. But how do you respond if no one is commenting? Why isn’t anybody commenting? Maybe it’s not good? Maybe my title is so bad and the first paragraph so boring that no one reads to the end to be able to interact.
Why does no one like it? Why doesn’t anyone share it? Is anyone even reading it? I can’t do this.
And the enemy jumped right on that. “You feel called to write a book? You can’t even do this. You’ll never be able to do that. You’ll never be as good as so-and-so, so why even bother! Leave the writing to them.”
That’s when the writer’s block started.
Fear. I had fear. Let’s call it what it is. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. I was flooded spirit, soul, and body with insecurity and fear.
And it seeped over into other areas of my life until what I used to have victory over began to drown me instead. And I gave into it. Although I felt called by God to write, I let fear stop me in my tracks.
Then I took encouragement from Judges 6. It’s the go-to chapter for everyone dealing with fear, right?
Then the angel of the Lord came and sat beneath the great tree at Ophrah, which belonged to Joash of the clan of Abiezer. Gideon son of Joash was threshing wheat at the bottom of a winepress to hide the grain from the Midianites. (Judges 6:11)
I know. Most people look at this verse and call Gideon a scardey-cat for hiding in a winepress, but I call him a hero for being afraid yet still doing something.
He was using his ingenuity to get food for his people. And he was smart enough to know he couldn’t thresh wheat out in the open in the normal way. He had to find a way to do it in secret so as not to attract the attention of the enemy and wind up dead.
What I love about Gideon was he didn’t go down without a fight. How many Israelites weren’t threshing wheat at all? How many of them were curled up in a fetal position on the bed because of fear and insecurity?
But who did God use? God used the guy who was hiding at the bottom of a winepress. Was he afraid? Probably. Was he paralyzed? No way.
God moved through the one who was already active and moving and showing some form of bravery. Gideon was used by God in such a powerful way because he did it afraid.
God never said don’t feel fear. He said, “Don’t BE afraid.” We can’t help feeling the fear. It’s an automatic response do danger. But we can feel the fear and do it anyway. That’s called courage, my friends, and the reason we can do it afraid is because of verse 12.
The angel of the Lord appeared to him and said, “Mighty hero, the Lord is with you!” (Judges 6:12)
We’re not alone. The Lord is with us. The Greater One is in us to help us conquer. Overcome. Succeed.
Don’t sacrifice your destiny on the altar of fear and insecurity. Do it afraid.
That’s what I’m choosing to do with this blog. To be honest, I’m nervous about hitting the publish button because I’m outside of my vulnerability comfort zone.
I’m feeling the same fears but doing it anyway. What happens after I post isn’t up to me. It’s His to use. If it helps one person, it’s worth it.
So I made a couple tweaks to my page. Obviously the title is different. Having tea with toni won’t change anyone’s life. But the Word will. Less about me. All about Him. And I wanted to reflect that even in the title.
I can’t give you anything. But God can. Truth gives hope. As long as we have The Truth, we will always have hope.
